


whiskey lullaby

by Draggar



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 03:58:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8431042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draggar/pseuds/Draggar
Summary: Erin learns a secret about Holtzmann and shares one of her own. Angsty but kinda hopeful?
Contains alcohol abuse/alcoholism and mentions of self-harm.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little one-shot brought on by my thinking about my own PTSD. These poor broken babies gotta help each other get better. Still trying to get used to writing them and I got stuck on my other fic so tada. I dunno if I'm going to continue this or just leave it. Also I recommend listening to Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss and Cold by Novo Amor while reading.

Erin Gilbert was forced out of her dreams by the sound of loud, slow knocks on her apartment door. She rubbed at sleep-swollen eyes then searched her room for her phone. As the knocking continued, she glared down at the time. Three in the morning. She noticed with mild alarm that she had no texts from anyone related to this interruption and stood up quietly. Phone in hand, ready to dial the police - though really, if someone was going to rob her, would they knock? - she tiptoed our of her room and down the short hall to the door. 

“Who’s there?” she called, putting as much stern aggression into her voice as she could muster despite her discomfort. She considered peeking out the window but thought better of it; it probably wasn’t best to reveal that she was just an average woman instead of something more intimidating.

The knocking stopped at the sound of her voice. Erin swallowed. She unlocked her phone, ready to dial the police. Her frown deepened when a hesitant female voice answered her with what sounded like ‘Hoes, man.’ The physicist tilted her head and lowered her phone a fraction.

“I’m sorry? I think you have the wrong door.”

There was another sound like a knock and then an answer that Erin could actually understand.

“It’s Jill-ee-un.”

Whatever was left of Erin’s sleepiness left her and she squeaked out a cautious “Holtz?” before putting her phone in her pocket and reaching for the doorknob. She was perhaps even more nervous at the idea of her friend showing up at three AM than a burglar. She opened the door quickly and was almost knocked over as a familiar blonde practically fell onto her. She grabbed Holtzmann by the shoulders to steady her, who grunted in thanks.

“What’s going on? Is there a bust?”

Holtzmann took a step backward and looked down at her feet.

“Uh, no.”

Erin frowned and leaned down to try to get a better look at the engineer’s face. She moved a hand from the woman’s shoulder to her chin and gently tilted Holtz’s head up towards her.

“Jesus,” she breathed. Her friend’s eyes were red and moist, surrounded in smeared makeup. Holtzmann’s face was altogether much puffier than usual, and Erin even thought she could see her lip quivering. As she inspected her friend, the blonde let out a breath and Erin was shocked at the heaviness of the smell of alcohol.

“Are you drunk?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

“Kinda. Was worse earlier.” Holtzmann took a step backward, pulled herself out of Erin’s grip. She shrugged, blue eyes downcast.

Erin wasn’t sure she wanted to imagine Holtz in a worse state. She blinked dumbly, searching her mind for something to say.

“Are you okay? Do you need help getting home?”

Erin could have sworn she saw hurt flash through the engineer’s expression. Holtzmann scratched at her head.

“Don’t… really wanna go back.”

Erin raised an eyebrow. She had come from home? Erin had assumed she would have come from a bar, maybe even a failed one-night stand. The thought of Holtzmann drinking herself to this state alone in her apartment caused Erin more worry than she wanted to admit. She didn’t question the woman though, but began to move toward her living room couch.

“Come here, Holtz. Sit down.”

Holtzmann seemed even smaller than usual as she walked slowly to the couch. She sat down gently, as if the act was painful. Erin watched her, her mind churning. The physicist smiled cautiously at her friend before going into her kitchen. She hurriedly grabbed a water bottle from her fridge, then took a towel from a rack and wet it in the sink. She went back to Holtzmann, who seemed to be trying to melt into the corner of the couch. She sat close to the woman, but far enough away to give her space. She set the water bottle on her coffee table and offered the towel to the engineer. Holtzmann only blinked down at it.

“You’re a mess. Can I help?” Erin hadn’t felt them coming, but tears now clouded her vision. She had never seen the cheerful, wild woman like this before. Had she not been staring right at Holtzmann, she never would have thought she could seem so unlike herself. For her part, Holtzmann stared back at Erin. At least thirty seconds passed before the blonde finally nodded.

Erin reached out with the towel and gently wiped at the engineer’s eyes, removing some of the makeup. She couldn’t stop her hands from trembling. When she finally finished, she gasped softly at the sight of a tear making its way down the blonde’s cheek. Another first.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Erin set the towel down, then offered the water bottle to Holtzmann. She took a few sips then gave it back. Cobalt blue eyes met Erin’s own. Holtzmann opened her mouth to speak, closed it, opened it again. She nodded subtly, then groaned.

Erin patted Holtz’s hand awkwardly. She was out of her element herself. Her usual conversations with the engineer typically consisted of light flirting or scolding. Nothing this serious.

Erin bit her lip and scooted closer to Holtzmann. “Alright. So. You got this way at home?”

A nod.

“Were you with someone? Do I need to kick someone’s ass?”

A shake of blonde curls and the tiniest smile.

“You look like you’ve been crying though. Have you?” Erin gulped.

Holtz hesitated, finding sudden interest in a loose seam in the couch cushion. Then a nod.

Erin thought she might be catching on. A pang of familiarity had begun to rise in her heart.

“So you’re sad. Is there a reason why?”

Holtz shrugged. Erin bit her lip.

“Does this happen a lot?”

Holtzmann’s fresh tears were all the answer that Erin needed. She quickly moved closer to her friend and enveloped her in her arms. Holtzmann went rigid at first and Erin considered pulling away, but just as she went to move the blonde buried her head in her shoulder and let out a sob.

The two women sat that way for some time. Erin found herself unable to stop her own tears. There was something utterly devastating about seeing someone as pure as Jillian Holtzmann breaking in such a way. She pressed a soft kiss to the engineer’s temple and ran a hand through the tangled blonde hair.

“Hey, hey. You’re alright… And, hey, if you want, you can tell me what’s wrong. I won’t judge you. We’re family, remember?”

She wanted badly to tell Holtz that she loved her, but found the words stuck in her throat.

“I, uh, I have a problem.” Holtz’s voice was small, not more than a whisper. But Erin heard her and nodded, rubbing her back.

“You’re not the only one, Holtz. You can talk to me.”

Holtzmann smiled softly before continuing. She spoke in a clipped, short way that Erin recognized as her most serious voice. “Um. When I was little, I had to go to these… places, every summer. And um, when it was bad, I would break into, um, the offices and steal the counselor’s drinks. And so… This time of year, I guess, is not fun.”

Erin felt bad for crying. This should be Holtz’s time, but she couldn’t help herself. She wiped her eyes and embraced the small blonde again. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“I wasn’t kidding, I guess, when I joked about AA meetings. I do have to go sometimes.” Holtzmann’s voice cracked at the admission. “I just get these, like, images in my head and they’re so real, I just gotta… get rid of them.”

Erin pulled back and the two women looked each other in the eyes once more.

“I understand. I know that sounds stupid, but I do understand.” Erin practically clawed at her eyes to get the tears away when Holtzmann looked at her in a way that clearly said she didn’t think it was stupid. ‘Great,’ Erin thought, ‘I’m only making her feel worse.’

“I think… that’s why I came here?” Holtzmann’s lip quivered. “Do you… do what I do when it happens?”

Erin shook her head and noticed a look of shame darken Holtz’s features. But the brunette smiled sadly and extended an arm toward the engineer. She gently pulled up her sleeve and watched as Holtzmann’s eyes widened. Clearly she had never noticed the patchwork of white lines that covered Erin’s upper arms. Erin did do her best to keep it covered.

A deep cry erupted from Holtzmann’s throat and Erin pulled her arm back quickly, almost falling off the couch. The blonde caught her though, gripping her shoulders and practically dragging Erin into her lap. She hugged Erin tightly, sobbing.

Erin melted into the embrace. She stroked Holtz’s back, murmuring quietly.

“Holtz, it’s okay. We’re okay. You’re so brave, okay? You’ve gotten so far. I’m so proud of you. I’m so glad I met you. I love you.”

Holtzmann pulled away from the hug and Erin was shocked by the affection she saw in the woman’s eyes. The engineer hiccuped and reached for Erin’s arm. She pulled up the sleeve and traced one of the newer marks with a shaking finger. Erin thought she could feel her heart in her throat.

“I think. I want you to… If you want to do this again, ever, or if you do it. I think, can you come and talk to me? Like this?”

Erin smiled. “Only if you do the same.”

Holtzmann bit her lip and nodded.


End file.
